Me: Well, at least I know life couldn't get any worse.
Life: Ha! Think again.
....
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Comparison
I've found a comparison in a modern song to scripture. The song is "You Found Me" by The Fray (well, it also compares to how I feel)
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and AmistadLost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?
Now the scriptures: Doctrine and Covenants 121 and 122. This is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and has been asking God where He's been.
121
1 O God, awhere art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy bhiding place?
2 aHow long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?
3 Yea, O Lord, ahow long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful boppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with ccompassion toward them?
4 O Lord God aAlmighty, maker of bheaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy cpavilion be taken up; let thy dhiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine eheart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
6 Remember thy asuffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
7 My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
9 Thy afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy afriends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.
122
1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy aname, and fools shall have thee in bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;
2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
3 And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ahonor; and but for a small bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.
5 If thou art called to pass through atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall bremain with thee; for their cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
Think about it.
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and AmistadLost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?
Now the scriptures: Doctrine and Covenants 121 and 122. This is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and has been asking God where He's been.
121
1 O God, awhere art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy bhiding place?
2 aHow long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?
3 Yea, O Lord, ahow long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful boppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with ccompassion toward them?
4 O Lord God aAlmighty, maker of bheaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy cpavilion be taken up; let thy dhiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine eheart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
6 Remember thy asuffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
7 My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
9 Thy afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy afriends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.
122
1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy aname, and fools shall have thee in bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;
2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
3 And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ahonor; and but for a small bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.
5 If thou art called to pass through atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall bremain with thee; for their cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
Think about it.
I realize...
- a lot of my friends don't understand my beliefs, and therefore, don't understand my 'culture'.
- it seemed fast to most people when I got engaged. I hope people can understand and respect that I believe in personal revelation, and when I felt it was 'right' and going somewhere with him, that I prayed about it for weeks. He prayed for weeks, we prayed for weeks together. We both felt it was even more right after weeks of praying. When you get a confirmation like that, why deny it? Why wait? THAT'S why things went so fast. I wasn't blinded by anything, it was a clear sight, went about in an adult way.
- that not everyone knows what happened and why the wedding was called off. Can you blame me for not wanting to talk about it? He decided that he was going to join the Army and told me he couldn't marry me. When I asked why he said "I dont know, just got to do this" and I never heard from him again. Not to mention, he did it on the phone. Did I see that coming? No. Did he drop any hints? Nope. He gave me an engagement ring, we had everything planned from his tux to our apartment and how we would spend our holidays. I dont have any explaination other than that.
- that I'm young. I'm VERY young. But hopefully others can understand that I believe when it's right, it's right. I don't think anyone can deny that I'm mature for my age, but that has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't have gone through with it (or planned to go through with it, rather) if I wasn't 100% positive it was the right thing for ME. I'm not 'blinded by the desire for companionship or a wedding or children'. Did I think I was going to marry this young? Not at first. But because of my culture of my religion, I was fairly sure it would be in my early twenties.
- again, not everyone understands my beliefs. But another reason Mormons seem to 'rush in' besides the fact that we believe in divine and personal revelation is that we don't co-habitate (live together before marriage). So yeah, we don't know absolutely EVERYTHING about the person beforehand. We don't know how they squeeze their toothpaste or how they fold their clothes. But with faith and when things are gone about the right way, those things are the things you discover along the way and THAT'S OKAY.
- that most/none of you have gone through this. So none of you understand. That's fine, but don't illigitimize my pain because you don't understand it. Don't passive-agressively say that I had it coming to me. You want to say something like that, say it to my face. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.
- everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it would be cool, if you cared about me, to be sensitive. I have to be selfish now. And I know their are some people that will say "But Julie, you're always selfish". I know that, because people HAVE said it to my face. Fine. Think I'm selfish and think I'm a jerk and I deserve every pain I got because I'm a stupid girl who just wants everyone to pay attention to her. Whatever. I have to pay attention to myself, I have to pick up the pieces of my life. Those of you that are mad at me for that REALLY don't understand the extent of my pain. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't shattered me because it has. And it would be UNHEALTHY for me to ignore myself.
New thought
I discovered something last night.
I've tried to make people most important to me. Basically my whole life, I have put others before myself. Even if my actions didn't show it immediately to those people, in my mind and in my own way, everyone else has been more important. This is obviously flawed. I can't care that much.
I also realized that one of the many many reasons all this is so hard for me is that it seems as though everyone has someone who puts them first, who thinks they are 'most important'. I don't have someone who thinks I'm THE most important person. I know I'm very important to some people, but I share that post with others or there's someone who's just a little more important than me. I went from being most important to someone to just being lost in the mix.
Don't get me wrong, I don't 'need a man' in my life. At least not now. It would just be nice to have someone that thinks I'm most important. I guess eventually it will happen, but it was already SUPPOSED to have happened and it's a pretty lonely road in the meantime.
I literally feel like someone took me on a ride in a limo for most of my life; whether it be my parents, boyfriends in the past, friends, or Christ, especially in those bumps in the road. I've sat back and enjoyed most of the time. Now, I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere in the dark. I need to find something solid to lean against until the light comes back...
I've tried to make people most important to me. Basically my whole life, I have put others before myself. Even if my actions didn't show it immediately to those people, in my mind and in my own way, everyone else has been more important. This is obviously flawed. I can't care that much.
I also realized that one of the many many reasons all this is so hard for me is that it seems as though everyone has someone who puts them first, who thinks they are 'most important'. I don't have someone who thinks I'm THE most important person. I know I'm very important to some people, but I share that post with others or there's someone who's just a little more important than me. I went from being most important to someone to just being lost in the mix.
Don't get me wrong, I don't 'need a man' in my life. At least not now. It would just be nice to have someone that thinks I'm most important. I guess eventually it will happen, but it was already SUPPOSED to have happened and it's a pretty lonely road in the meantime.
I literally feel like someone took me on a ride in a limo for most of my life; whether it be my parents, boyfriends in the past, friends, or Christ, especially in those bumps in the road. I've sat back and enjoyed most of the time. Now, I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere in the dark. I need to find something solid to lean against until the light comes back...
Monday, October 12, 2009
The First Ever Blog
I havent been able to bring myself to write in my journal. Mostly because I no longer have one. I ended my journal with a chapter in my life. This next chapter has proved to be extremely difficult. I wonder when I can turn the page and find a new...something. A better something...It seems that anything would be better than this right now.
I already feel myself calming down, being able to write down how I feel, and not necessairly having a journal. I'm not ready to put things down in ink...or in pencil for that matter. My life has proved to be unpredictable, even the most dependable things or most dependable people have turned away or completely disappeared in many cases.
I've decided I don't care if anyone reads this. It would be great to know that people cared enough to check on how I really feel, but again, I can't rely on that.
For the sake of others, and for my sanity, the past few months I have tried my hardest to pick up the pieces, and go through life with my fingers in my ears. Meaning, in many cases, I have ignored and suppressed my true feelings.
As a side note, I will continue to do these things, as I think it is one of the only ways to overcome. But I hope everyone (including myself) knows that I am NOT okay yet. I'm trying, but it is not just one event that has made my world crash down around me; its a combination of many events that are the result of one big event. For instance, if my ex-fiance hadn't called it off with no explaination, I would not have to deal with certain people that don't talk to me anymore, I would not feel like I can't trust anyone, and I would not have to deal with some of the immaturity that I have to witness everyday.
Those are only a few examples.
I would love to be myself again. But circumstances have proved that I can't, no matter how hard I try. See, I USED to trust people quickly and love quickly. In multiple instances, it has done nothing but come back to bite me in the end. I USED to believe in people. I'm sad to report that my faith in people has died. Unless I have proof otherwise, this is the way it's going to be. I'm sick of taking risks for people, for trusting and expecting and being loyal to only recieve a big package of NOTHING, no one even bothered to wrap it.
Don't get me wrong; there are those few that have been there for me through it all. Those that have dealt with my anger, depression and sometimes just flat out yelling at them because they actually reached out. I'm extremely grateful for those people. Beyond anything I can express. Bearing one another's burden is a responsibility I believe we all have in this life, and those people who have been there for me, helping me bear this burden that I cannot lift on my own, have their names forever written on my heart, no matter how many times it breaks or how many pieces it ends up being in... and is currently in.
Last night, I was too upset to sleep. I was completely irritated with repetition that I had no control over and completely beaten down by life and the disappointment I have in people. Besides crying and punching my pillow, I could not feel at ease. I felt strongly to pick up my hymn book. I turned to some of my favorite hymns and just read the words to myself. It's amazing how I felt better simply by basically reading lullabys. I'll share my two favorites. My Mormon friends know these very well. "Be Still My Soul" and "Where Can I Turn For Peace?"
Be Still My Soul
Be Still My Soul
The Lord is on Thy side.
With Patience bear
Thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In Every change
He faithful will remain
Be Still My Soul
Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be Still My Soul
Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Be Still My Soul
The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappiontment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still My Soul
When change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice
I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows
Where when I languish,
Where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He only one.
He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace He finds
For my beeseaching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.
Alright, feeling a little better. Time to study some theatre history I think.
I already feel myself calming down, being able to write down how I feel, and not necessairly having a journal. I'm not ready to put things down in ink...or in pencil for that matter. My life has proved to be unpredictable, even the most dependable things or most dependable people have turned away or completely disappeared in many cases.
I've decided I don't care if anyone reads this. It would be great to know that people cared enough to check on how I really feel, but again, I can't rely on that.
For the sake of others, and for my sanity, the past few months I have tried my hardest to pick up the pieces, and go through life with my fingers in my ears. Meaning, in many cases, I have ignored and suppressed my true feelings.
As a side note, I will continue to do these things, as I think it is one of the only ways to overcome. But I hope everyone (including myself) knows that I am NOT okay yet. I'm trying, but it is not just one event that has made my world crash down around me; its a combination of many events that are the result of one big event. For instance, if my ex-fiance hadn't called it off with no explaination, I would not have to deal with certain people that don't talk to me anymore, I would not feel like I can't trust anyone, and I would not have to deal with some of the immaturity that I have to witness everyday.
Those are only a few examples.
I would love to be myself again. But circumstances have proved that I can't, no matter how hard I try. See, I USED to trust people quickly and love quickly. In multiple instances, it has done nothing but come back to bite me in the end. I USED to believe in people. I'm sad to report that my faith in people has died. Unless I have proof otherwise, this is the way it's going to be. I'm sick of taking risks for people, for trusting and expecting and being loyal to only recieve a big package of NOTHING, no one even bothered to wrap it.
Don't get me wrong; there are those few that have been there for me through it all. Those that have dealt with my anger, depression and sometimes just flat out yelling at them because they actually reached out. I'm extremely grateful for those people. Beyond anything I can express. Bearing one another's burden is a responsibility I believe we all have in this life, and those people who have been there for me, helping me bear this burden that I cannot lift on my own, have their names forever written on my heart, no matter how many times it breaks or how many pieces it ends up being in... and is currently in.
Last night, I was too upset to sleep. I was completely irritated with repetition that I had no control over and completely beaten down by life and the disappointment I have in people. Besides crying and punching my pillow, I could not feel at ease. I felt strongly to pick up my hymn book. I turned to some of my favorite hymns and just read the words to myself. It's amazing how I felt better simply by basically reading lullabys. I'll share my two favorites. My Mormon friends know these very well. "Be Still My Soul" and "Where Can I Turn For Peace?"
Be Still My Soul
Be Still My Soul
The Lord is on Thy side.
With Patience bear
Thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In Every change
He faithful will remain
Be Still My Soul
Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be Still My Soul
Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Be Still My Soul
The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappiontment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still My Soul
When change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice
I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows
Where when I languish,
Where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He only one.
He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace He finds
For my beeseaching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.
Alright, feeling a little better. Time to study some theatre history I think.
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