The First Ever Blog

I havent been able to bring myself to write in my journal. Mostly because I no longer have one. I ended my journal with a chapter in my life. This next chapter has proved to be extremely difficult. I wonder when I can turn the page and find a new...something. A better something...It seems that anything would be better than this right now.
I already feel myself calming down, being able to write down how I feel, and not necessairly having a journal. I'm not ready to put things down in ink...or in pencil for that matter. My life has proved to be unpredictable, even the most dependable things or most dependable people have turned away or completely disappeared in many cases.
I've decided I don't care if anyone reads this. It would be great to know that people cared enough to check on how I really feel, but again, I can't rely on that.
For the sake of others, and for my sanity, the past few months I have tried my hardest to pick up the pieces, and go through life with my fingers in my ears. Meaning, in many cases, I have ignored and suppressed my true feelings.
As a side note, I will continue to do these things, as I think it is one of the only ways to overcome. But I hope everyone (including myself) knows that I am NOT okay yet. I'm trying, but it is not just one event that has made my world crash down around me; its a combination of many events that are the result of one big event. For instance, if my ex-fiance hadn't called it off with no explaination, I would not have to deal with certain people that don't talk to me anymore, I would not feel like I can't trust anyone, and I would not have to deal with some of the immaturity that I have to witness everyday.
Those are only a few examples.
I would love to be myself again. But circumstances have proved that I can't, no matter how hard I try. See, I USED to trust people quickly and love quickly. In multiple instances, it has done nothing but come back to bite me in the end. I USED to believe in people. I'm sad to report that my faith in people has died. Unless I have proof otherwise, this is the way it's going to be. I'm sick of taking risks for people, for trusting and expecting and being loyal to only recieve a big package of NOTHING, no one even bothered to wrap it.
Don't get me wrong; there are those few that have been there for me through it all. Those that have dealt with my anger, depression and sometimes just flat out yelling at them because they actually reached out. I'm extremely grateful for those people. Beyond anything I can express. Bearing one another's burden is a responsibility I believe we all have in this life, and those people who have been there for me, helping me bear this burden that I cannot lift on my own, have their names forever written on my heart, no matter how many times it breaks or how many pieces it ends up being in... and is currently in.
Last night, I was too upset to sleep. I was completely irritated with repetition that I had no control over and completely beaten down by life and the disappointment I have in people. Besides crying and punching my pillow, I could not feel at ease. I felt strongly to pick up my hymn book. I turned to some of my favorite hymns and just read the words to myself. It's amazing how I felt better simply by basically reading lullabys. I'll share my two favorites. My Mormon friends know these very well. "Be Still My Soul" and "Where Can I Turn For Peace?"
Be Still My Soul
Be Still My Soul
The Lord is on Thy side.
With Patience bear
Thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In Every change
He faithful will remain
Be Still My Soul
Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be Still My Soul
Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Be Still My Soul
The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappiontment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still My Soul
When change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice
I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows
Where when I languish,
Where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He only one.
He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace He finds
For my beeseaching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.

Alright, feeling a little better. Time to study some theatre history I think.