I realize...

• a lot of my friends don't understand my beliefs, and therefore, don't understand my 'culture'.


• it seemed fast to most people when I got engaged. I hope people can understand and respect that I believe in personal revelation, and when I felt it was 'right' and going somewhere with him, that I prayed about it for weeks. He prayed for weeks, we prayed for weeks together. We both felt it was even more right after weeks of praying. When you get a confirmation like that, why deny it? Why wait? THAT'S why things went so fast. I wasn't blinded by anything, it was a clear sight, went about in an adult way.


• that not everyone knows what happened and why the wedding was called off. Can you blame me for not wanting to talk about it? He decided that he was going to join the Army and told me he couldn't marry me. When I asked why he said "I dont know, just got to do this" and I never heard from him again. Not to mention, he did it on the phone. Did I see that coming? No. Did he drop any hints? Nope. He gave me an engagement ring, we had everything planned from his tux to our apartment and how we would spend our holidays. I dont have any explaination other than that.


• that I'm young. I'm VERY young. But hopefully others can understand that I believe when it's right, it's right. I don't think anyone can deny that I'm mature for my age, but that has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't have gone through with it (or planned to go through with it, rather) if I wasn't 100% positive it was the right thing for ME. I'm not 'blinded by the desire for companionship or a wedding or children'. Did I think I was going to marry this young? Not at first. But because of my culture of my religion, I was fairly sure it would be in my early twenties.


• again, not everyone understands my beliefs. But another reason Mormons seem to 'rush in' besides the fact that we believe in divine and personal revelation is that we don't co-habitate (live together before marriage). So yeah, we don't know absolutely EVERYTHING about the person beforehand. We don't know how they squeeze their toothpaste or how they fold their clothes. But with faith and when things are gone about the right way, those things are the things you discover along the way and THAT'S OKAY.


• that most/none of you have gone through this. So none of you understand. That's fine, but don't illigitimize my pain because you don't understand it. Don't passive-agressively say that I had it coming to me. You want to say something like that, say it to my face. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.


• everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it would be cool, if you cared about me, to be sensitive. I have to be selfish now. And I know their are some people that will say "But Julie, you're always selfish". I know that, because people HAVE said it to my face. Fine. Think I'm selfish and think I'm a jerk and I deserve every pain I got because I'm a stupid girl who just wants everyone to pay attention to her. Whatever. I have to pay attention to myself, I have to pick up the pieces of my life. Those of you that are mad at me for that REALLY don't understand the extent of my pain. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't shattered me because it has. And it would be UNHEALTHY for me to ignore myself.