Blank

Anyone ever notice how daunting a blank page is?

....
This explains why I haven't written in my blog for a while or been doing my homework for the past few hours.

I do have another blog I wanted to try a new website. www.julieadventures.tumblr.com
Check it out! It's a cool website.

Valentine's Day

Well, Valentine's day is tomorrow, and since I live in a dominant Mormon community, the town is celebrating it today basically. Everywhere I go there's an assult on my senses: the smell of roses, the sight of blinding red and pink, the sound of cooing lovers, the taste of all the raging hormones in the air (okay, that sounds a little gross), and the bitter touch of winter. Usually, people who do not have a significant other call this holiday S.A.D. or "Single's Awareness Day" which is completely true, but this year I feel humiliated for those celebrating Valentine's Day at all!
I walked into Walmart the other day and saw the huge isle of stuffed animals, cellophane-wrapped chocolate boxes, and cards decked out in pink and red. I expected to feel the sting of being without a significant other, but instead...I laughed! I laughed right out loud in front of the entire store, especially upon approaching the isle that I found was swarmed with anxious and stressed out men holding all sorts of stuffed animals exclaiming "I WUV YOU" with a heart in between it's paws in one hand, and a huge red cellophane wrapped candybox in the other. It's truely hilarious; we have these high expectations for a ridiculous holiday from the time we are very young. Starting in kindergarden, there are huge parties in class with handmade boxes for those boxed, blanket valentines that our parent's helped us fill out for everyone in the class. As we get older (and by older, I mean grade school, middle school) we long for someone to share the holiday with; a secret admirer, a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' or any other romantic fantasy we conjure up in our heads. The men are especially pressured to spoil the women with jewelery, chocolate, or the ever so notorious dozen red roses.
I want it to be understood that I've had plenty of Valentine's Days with a significant other and they were great, but now it feels a little juevenille to me...and because I do not what to come across as a bitter single woman saying ignorantly "It's a Hallmark Holiday, it's totally made up", I looked up where and why and how Valentine's Day actually started. Here is what I found:

*the holiday was named after one or more Christian martyrs named Valentine and established by a Pope in the year 496.
* became associated with romantic love in the High Middle Ages when courtly love was popular (hey, I'm studying courtly love in my French Lit/History class!)
*Valentine cards became popular in the 19th Century
*Men spend twice as much money for Valentine's Day than women do
*Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni are the "Saint Valentine's" of Valentine's Day. Valentine of Rome was a priest martyred in 269 and Valentine of Terni was a bishop.
*No romantic elements have been discovered being linked to these martyrs. When romance became linked into it in the 14th Century, the distinction between the two valentines were lost.
*According to some sources, on of the St. Valentines was persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II. Claudius attempted to get Valentine to convert to paganism in order to save his own life. In turn, Valentine tried to convert Claudius to Christianity.
*Claudius II wanted men to remain single so they could build up the army; married men did not make good soldiers. The priest Valentine therefore conducted secret marriages. When Claudius found out about this, he threw Valentine in jail. The night before his execution he wrote the first "valentine" to the daughter of the jailer who he had befriended and signed it "from your Valentine"

All very interesting. I think the reason I don't care for it anymore is the expectations that we set on each other for this one day. If someone doesn't go all out on Valentine's day, all hell breaks loose with some people. It's okay to have a tradition with your significant other, but if you're stressing about it, you probably shouldn't even bother. That's my opinion. And that's what this blog is for....writing my opinion haha.

Months later....

I'm feeling much better. Thanks to a combination of distraction, a new outlook, and medication I have found myself to be mostly happy. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I cried, which is a milestone since I used to cry at least every other day. I'm at school in Idaho enjoying my classes and especially enjoying being in my school's production of Macbeth. I'm playing one of the witches and I cannot fully express how grateful I am to be in this production. I believe in a lot of ways this opprotunity has saved me. I anxiously wait everyday to go to rehearsal, I don't take any moment of it for granted. I love it and I love the people and I feel like I'm doing something I'm supposed to be doing for once, and I'm good at it. It's been far too long since last I was in a show. I dont know what it is, but I'm completely addicted to the theatre. My mom thinks it's the smell of paint or gaff or something that gets me high because I am always on cloud 9 even when I talk about it. I'm so glad to be doing what I'm doing.

I'm blessed with great roommates this semester and a great apartment complex with a great ward. I have my own room again, which helps me when I need to retreat and think. As for now, I'm completely ignoring my homework, which I know I'll regret but I feel compelled to write right now.

I do have a new journal, I wrote one entry in it a few days ago. It feels good to be happy again. Right now, I'm feeling semi-neutral, borderline sad, but I'm not sure why exactly. Probably just those lovely hormones.

I feel that I've grown a considerable amount the past few months. My perspective is different, and I feel older. I've said before that with all of 2009 tragedy in my life that I felt like I lost 10 years off my life. I still feel that way, like I should be turning 31 this year instead of 21. I'm excited for 2010, so far life is completely unexpected and I'm at a place I never imagined I would be. New Year's Eve 2009 was the happiest day of that year for me I believe; I yelled and screamed and thanked the Lord that it was no longer 2009, the year of my hell. I promised myself that this year will be different. I am strong, I am determined, I am on my way to happiness and I won't let things get me down that are trivial and/or juevenille. I enjoy working out now, which is something I never really liked to do, that's a big step for me, though it seems silly to some. I feel like I know what I'm doing in most of my classes and I feel more empathy for people. On top of this, I feel like I'm becoming myself again, but a better self.
I really enjoy thinking and observing and there are a few things I've thought about and observed, particularly on this campus that have formed my opinions. Here are a few subjects I have opinions about and would love to write about someday. I dont think anyone really reads this, but if you do and would like to hear my opinion on any of these subjects, let me know:

• Marriage does not equal maturity
• Tragedy vs. Comedy
• Chivalry
• How much I love being independant
• Language in American schools
• East Coast
• Peer Pressure in all levels of life.
• Blind Obeidence
• Cognitive dissonance
• Theatre and its importance in education/life
• Ignorance/Living life with eyes closed
• Empathy/Sympathy
• Immaturity of people in general
• How to have fun and not worry about being single or "taken"
• Being comfortable and confident in your own skin
• Mormon Culture
• Good movies (or "Guy Movies" vs. "Girl Movies")
• High school dynamics

I know this is a random gamut of topics, but they're ones that I feel strongly about and could really write a whole blog on any of them. So if there's anyone out there particularly interested in hearing my opinons on any of these subjects, let me know.

Well, this week is tech week for Macbeth and then the three weeks after that will be performances. The first two weeks sold out in 4 days of going on sale. I hear people on campus talking about how excited they are to see it. I love being a part of it, it's almost disgusting how much I love it. Anyway, I don't think I'll be writing another blog anytime soon, but I guess it depends on my homework load and my exhaustion level. However, I have a signifcant amount of homework right now and I'm not really doing it...

Until next time.

Finally

*sigh*

I get to perform.
In front of people
On a stage.
And it's singing.

Finally.

It has been too long, and I need this so bad.

Cant Do Anything Right!!!!!

I'm sitting at work right now in the light booth. Tonight was the first night that I have been trusted to do something completely by myself, which is long overdue, and much appreciated. I've been looking forward to running this all day because I thought of it as a chance to prove that I dont always do things wrong, which is a common occurance with me and work.
But alas, I get here and start up the board, and 2 of the 3 groups of fixtures aren't working. I end up having to call my boss (who understandably didn't answer) and my other supervisor to try to fix the problem because I dont know enough about the board to fix it. And despite my efforts, things still arent working and people are complaining.
This wouldn't bother me so much if I felt like I did things right on a regular basis. I feel like since I've worked here, if I didn't understand how to do something, someone else would do it for me. And I think the guys do it unconsciously because I'm a girl and for a long time I was the only girl on the crew.
I dont know...I'm just frustrated and I feel like I should be fired but on the other hand, I just feel like I need to be trusted with more things so I can learn instead of constantly having to try to prove myself worthy of being trusted. The reason I can't do things is because other people would always jump in and do it for me. And therefore, I feel like that because I'm now 'higher up' in my crew, I have to work three times as hard as the guys to prove myself worthy of the promotion and of responsiblity.
Ugh. I just want to do something right at work for once.

And...

Me: Well, at least I know life couldn't get any worse.

Life: Ha! Think again.


....

Comparison

I've found a comparison in a modern song to scripture. The song is "You Found Me" by The Fray (well, it also compares to how I feel)

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and AmistadLost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

Now the scriptures: Doctrine and Covenants 121 and 122. This is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and has been asking God where He's been.

121
1 O God, awhere art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy bhiding place?
2 aHow long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?
3 Yea, O Lord, ahow long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful boppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with ccompassion toward them?
4 O Lord God aAlmighty, maker of bheaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy cpavilion be taken up; let thy dhiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine eheart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.
6 Remember thy asuffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
7 My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
9 Thy afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy afriends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.



122
1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy aname, and fools shall have thee in bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;
2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
3 And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ahonor; and but for a small bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.
5 If thou art called to pass through atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall bremain with thee; for their cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

Think about it.

I realize...

• a lot of my friends don't understand my beliefs, and therefore, don't understand my 'culture'.


• it seemed fast to most people when I got engaged. I hope people can understand and respect that I believe in personal revelation, and when I felt it was 'right' and going somewhere with him, that I prayed about it for weeks. He prayed for weeks, we prayed for weeks together. We both felt it was even more right after weeks of praying. When you get a confirmation like that, why deny it? Why wait? THAT'S why things went so fast. I wasn't blinded by anything, it was a clear sight, went about in an adult way.


• that not everyone knows what happened and why the wedding was called off. Can you blame me for not wanting to talk about it? He decided that he was going to join the Army and told me he couldn't marry me. When I asked why he said "I dont know, just got to do this" and I never heard from him again. Not to mention, he did it on the phone. Did I see that coming? No. Did he drop any hints? Nope. He gave me an engagement ring, we had everything planned from his tux to our apartment and how we would spend our holidays. I dont have any explaination other than that.


• that I'm young. I'm VERY young. But hopefully others can understand that I believe when it's right, it's right. I don't think anyone can deny that I'm mature for my age, but that has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't have gone through with it (or planned to go through with it, rather) if I wasn't 100% positive it was the right thing for ME. I'm not 'blinded by the desire for companionship or a wedding or children'. Did I think I was going to marry this young? Not at first. But because of my culture of my religion, I was fairly sure it would be in my early twenties.


• again, not everyone understands my beliefs. But another reason Mormons seem to 'rush in' besides the fact that we believe in divine and personal revelation is that we don't co-habitate (live together before marriage). So yeah, we don't know absolutely EVERYTHING about the person beforehand. We don't know how they squeeze their toothpaste or how they fold their clothes. But with faith and when things are gone about the right way, those things are the things you discover along the way and THAT'S OKAY.


• that most/none of you have gone through this. So none of you understand. That's fine, but don't illigitimize my pain because you don't understand it. Don't passive-agressively say that I had it coming to me. You want to say something like that, say it to my face. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.


• everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it would be cool, if you cared about me, to be sensitive. I have to be selfish now. And I know their are some people that will say "But Julie, you're always selfish". I know that, because people HAVE said it to my face. Fine. Think I'm selfish and think I'm a jerk and I deserve every pain I got because I'm a stupid girl who just wants everyone to pay attention to her. Whatever. I have to pay attention to myself, I have to pick up the pieces of my life. Those of you that are mad at me for that REALLY don't understand the extent of my pain. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't shattered me because it has. And it would be UNHEALTHY for me to ignore myself.

New thought

I discovered something last night.

I've tried to make people most important to me. Basically my whole life, I have put others before myself. Even if my actions didn't show it immediately to those people, in my mind and in my own way, everyone else has been more important. This is obviously flawed. I can't care that much.

I also realized that one of the many many reasons all this is so hard for me is that it seems as though everyone has someone who puts them first, who thinks they are 'most important'. I don't have someone who thinks I'm THE most important person. I know I'm very important to some people, but I share that post with others or there's someone who's just a little more important than me. I went from being most important to someone to just being lost in the mix.

Don't get me wrong, I don't 'need a man' in my life. At least not now. It would just be nice to have someone that thinks I'm most important. I guess eventually it will happen, but it was already SUPPOSED to have happened and it's a pretty lonely road in the meantime.

I literally feel like someone took me on a ride in a limo for most of my life; whether it be my parents, boyfriends in the past, friends, or Christ, especially in those bumps in the road. I've sat back and enjoyed most of the time. Now, I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere in the dark. I need to find something solid to lean against until the light comes back...

The First Ever Blog

I havent been able to bring myself to write in my journal. Mostly because I no longer have one. I ended my journal with a chapter in my life. This next chapter has proved to be extremely difficult. I wonder when I can turn the page and find a new...something. A better something...It seems that anything would be better than this right now.
I already feel myself calming down, being able to write down how I feel, and not necessairly having a journal. I'm not ready to put things down in ink...or in pencil for that matter. My life has proved to be unpredictable, even the most dependable things or most dependable people have turned away or completely disappeared in many cases.
I've decided I don't care if anyone reads this. It would be great to know that people cared enough to check on how I really feel, but again, I can't rely on that.
For the sake of others, and for my sanity, the past few months I have tried my hardest to pick up the pieces, and go through life with my fingers in my ears. Meaning, in many cases, I have ignored and suppressed my true feelings.
As a side note, I will continue to do these things, as I think it is one of the only ways to overcome. But I hope everyone (including myself) knows that I am NOT okay yet. I'm trying, but it is not just one event that has made my world crash down around me; its a combination of many events that are the result of one big event. For instance, if my ex-fiance hadn't called it off with no explaination, I would not have to deal with certain people that don't talk to me anymore, I would not feel like I can't trust anyone, and I would not have to deal with some of the immaturity that I have to witness everyday.
Those are only a few examples.
I would love to be myself again. But circumstances have proved that I can't, no matter how hard I try. See, I USED to trust people quickly and love quickly. In multiple instances, it has done nothing but come back to bite me in the end. I USED to believe in people. I'm sad to report that my faith in people has died. Unless I have proof otherwise, this is the way it's going to be. I'm sick of taking risks for people, for trusting and expecting and being loyal to only recieve a big package of NOTHING, no one even bothered to wrap it.
Don't get me wrong; there are those few that have been there for me through it all. Those that have dealt with my anger, depression and sometimes just flat out yelling at them because they actually reached out. I'm extremely grateful for those people. Beyond anything I can express. Bearing one another's burden is a responsibility I believe we all have in this life, and those people who have been there for me, helping me bear this burden that I cannot lift on my own, have their names forever written on my heart, no matter how many times it breaks or how many pieces it ends up being in... and is currently in.
Last night, I was too upset to sleep. I was completely irritated with repetition that I had no control over and completely beaten down by life and the disappointment I have in people. Besides crying and punching my pillow, I could not feel at ease. I felt strongly to pick up my hymn book. I turned to some of my favorite hymns and just read the words to myself. It's amazing how I felt better simply by basically reading lullabys. I'll share my two favorites. My Mormon friends know these very well. "Be Still My Soul" and "Where Can I Turn For Peace?"
Be Still My Soul
Be Still My Soul
The Lord is on Thy side.
With Patience bear
Thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In Every change
He faithful will remain
Be Still My Soul
Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be Still My Soul
Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still My Soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Be Still My Soul
The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappiontment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still My Soul
When change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice
I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows
Where when I languish,
Where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He only one.
He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace He finds
For my beeseaching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.

Alright, feeling a little better. Time to study some theatre history I think.